Honduras...

.... may become a country of great interest for us in the hopefully not too far future. Or in other words: We just prepared the initial paperwork for being able to adopt a child from Honduras. And I had to write it SOMEWHERE, and I think I don't have that many readers here, so it feels somewhat "safe" while still public... haha (not sure why I'd like to be both secretive and public at the same time, but I guess it's because it's such a private thing, but so beautiful and exciting at the same time, so I want to share it. 

SO excited!!!

The pure love of a child, and the lesson I learnt

Domi was obnoxiously refusing to eat, something that happens more and more often lately. I'm ok when it occurs with strange new foods (although miss the times when he would happily try anything new), but when it's pancakes?? He always loved them. And when he swats the fork out of my hand, repeatedly, so food is everywhere? Well, all of my best intentions to be a good understanding mom go straight out the window then. So, there was scolding, even some yelling, holding hands probably a bit harder then should have been...
And as I was staring into the kid's eyes with a big frown on my angry face, this happened: He looked mildly back into my eyes, brought up his hand, and started stroking my cheek, in the most loving way I've ever seen. My heart melted. For a little while, until there was more food in the ceiling. Repeat bad mom-behaviour. And then... it happened AGAIN! The look of pure love from his little face, and the caressing of my face.

And I learnt my lesson. My emotions of irritation and anger just vanished both times. It was I, myself, who brought them back in between. His love changed me. I knew it already, but I never really had felt it as strong as in this situation, that love is the only thing that can help change a hardened heart (if the person in question chooses to let it be changed of course). But as a person on the other end (Domi's end), there is no way to reach other than by love, caring, understanding (or trying too understand, at least). Oh how hard that can be at times. But oh, how easily my little boy did just that. I'm not saying that he understood my anger, probably not at all. (which I'm happy about). But a person in opposition, may just have their heart softened a bit by feeling that there is an attempt to understand them, lovingly.

Charity (=Everlasting love, the pure love of Christ, in a scriptural context) really does never fail.

The birth story, 17 months later

This is from an email to a friend. We started writing when we discovered we were both expecting, just 2 months apart, and shared our experiences in a long thread of emails. Naturally not much were written when the babies were just born (sitting by the computer doesn't happen a lot at that time), so quite a while later, I wrote down my story, both for her and for myself. Then I thought, why not save it here as well? So, here it is! (I started on it when my little boy was only 8 weeks, but didn't finish it until over a year later...)

~~~~~~~~~~

sleep deprivation..... aaaaah! Dominic is usually pretty good the first half of the night. Last night I woke up just before 3 in PAIN, so I woke him up, to change and let him drink. But I don’t know what happened - perhaps he doesn’t like the penicillin I’m taking against the stupid strep throat? He would not stop stirring, I burped him and put him down, and he was WIDE awake. And then puked all over himself. Changed clothes, and the dude was even more wide awake. a bit later he managed to sleep 45 min (and me too, yey!), and then we awoke in increments of 5-10 min the rest of the night. Nothing new I guess, has happened before, but it was just extra annoying. 

And then this morning I had to take David to Ottawa for his next 5-day pairing to LA and Honolulu. Sigh. But I made it back without falling asleep at the wheel. Dominic obviously slept like a log the 2.5 hours of that trip, so now he’s wide awake. lol... 

I need to work a bit on my referee report, but I need some sleep before that, so I thought  I’d write you my birth story, so I have it written down and not forget it! :) 

I can’t believe it’s been 8 weeks now... 

Monday the 16th of March: Big as a mountain, I had awaited the phone call from the hospital for a few days. At about noon it came, as David and I were having crappy burgers and awesome root beer (towards the end of the pregnancy, I got cravings for pop - perhaps not the best!) at A&W, when the phone call came. Are you ready, they asked. Aaaaaah was my thought. Not ready at all, all of a sudden! Rushed home, got the totally useless hospital bag, and drove in to Ottawa. Very nervous drive. It was cold, but sunny. When we came in, I got my room, and robes, and a nurse was happy to help me empty my bowels, lol. That was not fun!!!. But probably very useful. 2 more mothers to be were induced in adjoining rooms, and the Drs described the different methods to use. They opted to use a mechanical method for me, rather than give me the  common tampon with hormones to get the contractions started. Instead, they inserted a balloon into the cervix, on top of it, so it was stuck, and inflated it to about 4 cm. That way, when I was open enough the balloon would fall out. Getting the balloon in was not pleasant at all. And as soon as it was in, the cramps started. They were all very pleased. Fairly soon I got one full-fledged contraction, but then it was back to cramps. This was at 5 in the afternoon. The rest of the evening I cramped, talked to a friend who visited (who is a Dr, and had just worked there a few days earlier!), and tried to nap a bit. Once an hour, a nurse came and measured my contractions with a device on my stomach. Pretty cool to be able to see it on a screen! Even rather faint ones showed clearly. And the baby’s heart beat. 

At midnight, I went to the washroom, and the balloon fell out. According to instructions, I called the nurse, and then we were all business. So much for that sleep... 

Next step was to puncture the amniotic sack with a huge crocheting needle. I worried about Dominics head, but all went well, and out came water. Neverendingly. For hours. I was provided with pads large as mattresses, which I had to show the nurse every time I went to the washroom, so they could see that the baby hadn’t pooped due to stress. But all was well. Except - I had contractions, starting probably 2 min after the sack was punctured, and they were no practice ones... Holy moly. Meanwhile, the woman in the room next door sounded like she was being slowly tortured to death. Never heard such screams before. Both David and I got rather pale at that. Apparently her birth approached much too fast for any pain killers, and it was all au naturel. Argh!! 

Time for pain killers... They brought in laughing gas, and had me try that. I don't know how others react, but it took away no pain, and instead I wanted to vomit. Useless stuff. Apparently some have that reaction, they told me.

At that point, I decided that I definitely wanted my epidural, regardless of how well the nurse said I handled the contractions (breathed through them rather than screaming, but that didn’t mean that they didn’t hurt!). But... the epidural team was elsewhere, and noone knew when they could come. So after a while they decided that they could give me some narcotics, through an IV. I really wanted SOMETHING so I agreed, and they proceeded to try to put in the IV. It is funny, but that is actually the most painful part of the entire birth. They FAILED, three times at three different locations (they "exploded" my vein, whatever that means, so it wasn't useable anymore - gaaaaarggh... these things make me green faced...), so they didn't want to continue, since I needed the last possible spot for later. Which is when the epidural team showed up - hallelujah. David decided to go for a walk (he is very sensitive to needles and the like), and I was 2 minutes apart my contractions, so it was at the VERY last moment! That nurse was a professional for sure, put in the IV without problem. They told me I had to be absolutely still for the epidural, meaning not move at all if there was a contraction. Of course there was one, so I prayed through it, and the prayer really worked - have never been so still in my life. 

And then bliss happened. All pain gone. David came in and was met by a super happy and calm me. The contractions were now only visible on the monitor. Super fascinating! They told me I could even go to sleep (yeah right). We rested through the rest of the night. I was reading a book by Chris Hadfield (the Canadian astronaut). Then in the early morning, they started getting a bit worried about Dominic's heart beat, and checked me. Fully dilated. So, time to get going. Time to start the pushing. Yikes. The main nurse (the same who had given me the enema 14 hours earlier) really pushed me to push hard... So I did. At one point, when I complained about it feeling like I was pooping, she said " oh, we already took care of that", which made us both laugh through a contraction, but then we were all business again. Towards the end, they said that I could bring down my hand and feel his head, and I did. That was scary - all squeezed together so it felt like a mountain range. Poor kid! Can't imagine the headache they must have going through with a natural birth! And then, he was out... and there was a scream immediately... they put him on my chest, his head bloodied, and he calmed down. The nurse kept upsetting him so he would scream more, which I found a bit mean, but apparently it's necessary, to free the lungs and throat of phlegm and fluids. But he kept being calm with me. Wow, I was crying. What an incredible thing. After a little while, they offered David to cut the cord, but he was a bit chicken. I was curious and wanted to touch it, so I did, and it felt like rubber. Much harder than I had expected! They asked me if I wanted to cut it, but no.... felt weird and wrong to cut the life-giving conduit! Then David collected some courage and ended up doing it, lol. I was so proud of him... :)

Then, most interestingly, they told me that I could rest, and they would take care of the placenta etc. I had no idea. They proceeded to kind of massage my stomach until it was out. I was intrigued, and they asked if I wanted to see it, which I of course did. So they held it up, with the entire amniotic sack, and showed how everything had been located. SO COOL!!! 

In all, the pushing sequence took about 30 minutes. Rather fast, they said. While they measured Dominic, they had to sew me up. YUCK! I saw the needle, and decided to not look that direction again. And I was VERY grateful for the epidural at that point. Granted, had I not had it, I may have gone slower and perhaps not torn... I don't know.... 

It was very interesting afterwards. We got to rest in the same room for a while, a few hours I think, but then I was supposed to go to (well, be wheeled out) the room I was to share with a few other moms (David then noticed that it actually was included in his health insurance to have a private room, but it was to late to organize that). But when I tried to stand up to go to the washroom, I couldn't stand, I thought I'd faint. They ended up emptying me with a catheter. Also, they said my uterus didn't contract as fast as they wanted, so they put in some kind of pill, that rendered me even weaker, plus I started shaking uncontrollably. This was not nice at all. Eventually, I did manage to get myself to the washroom (holy crow, it was hard!), and saw all the blood on the floor. yikes. Much more than I expected (but within reasonable limits according to the nurse). Wheel chair with little Dominic in my arms. 

Thinking back at this, I remember the feeling of exhaustion, and how unreal everything felt. Especially that the little person now was outside of me. It was hard though... having lost a night, trying to nurse, and nothing came, being in excruciating pain when going to the washroom, the indispensible spraying bottle, all the mattress sized pads... And then the night... 3 women in the same room with 3 little boys, each baby taking turns at screaming all night long. I sent David to sleep at a friends, because I reasoned that it'd be better if at least one of us was rested the next day. Smart, but hard. And then Dominic screamed, hungry, and I had nothing... Oh, I felt so miserable. Finally a nurse came in and gave him a bottle (which the milking consultant was very disapproving of the next day). And, having to stay a night extra, because Dominic lost too much weight... Argh. 

And, heading home, -17 degrees (C), packing, putting on real clothes. The feeling of awe and fear and HOLY CROW HOW are we going to manage on OUR OWN???? But managed we did, learning so much, and now I'm sitting here, more than a year later (this email has been forgotten over and over again) and I can barely imagine a life with out our little boy. :) What a miracle. What a blessing. 

Still winter

Haha. I found the following among my draft entries, from last winter:

"...worst winter ever, including those years in winnipeg (almost). But as far as snow content goes, worst. I change my mind. I want a Swedish winter next year. (dark, ok, wet, ok, but shorter, and warmer, YES!)”

And... that’s what we got! in the beginning. It didn’t start until December, and all of that month was more or less like in Sweden. Almost seems like my brother brought the weather with him when he came to celebrate Christmas with us - and as soon as he left the snow came, and the cold. But January was decent, albeit cold (I’m still inoculated by the Winnipeg years though, so not too bad yet. Plus it helps being pregnant, I’ve never been so warm during winter, in my life!!! I love it.) But now - 15 cm one day, then a day of sun and after that, continuous snowing for 5 days. Meanwhile Montreal is getting nothing, so it seems like it’s some kind of lake effect going on.

This wouldn’t be so bad if I could just do something about it, but shovelling in the 8th month is probably not a good idea. Walking outside without spikes is not recommended either. And walking itself is quite the chore. Sigh. (D is away for 4 days working, otherwise he’s doing awonderufl job shovelling)

On the flip side, I LOVE our house, and it’s quite awesome to be home so much. Definitely not tired of it yet. And I do have that paper to finish, so it’s not like I’m out of things to do... I can’t believe I haven’t finished it yet!!! Argh.

Already affecting the outside

Laptop on lap, edge of keyboard touching belly. And BOINK - the laptop moved, small movement in the keyboard part, but the monitor consequently shifted several cm! I realized that this is the first time there is an outside effect to the movements of my little insider. What a special feeling!

(A little insider who may very well have a name, approved by both David and me, but which will be decided for sure once we meet him. I even found myself googling it last night, and it looks like he will be the only one with it (that’s including 2 names and the family name). I like that :))

33.5 weeks

My "blessed state” (not sure if you say this in English, but it’s for sure a synonym to pregnancy in Swedish - ett välsignat tillstånd - a very apt name for it, once experienced!) has been going very well, all along, albeit with some side effects that are rather common... Today, I am very very tired. Hot flashes and out of breath. Since I wrote last time, the kicks and moving around has become more pronounced (and mostly I LOVE it, except for occasional movements to nerves which hurt... but it’s not often!). I’m supposed to keep count in 2 hr intervals, once per day, to make sure there’s more than 6 movements within that time range. That hasn’t been necessary...

So, anyway, I thought I’d write down some fun observations along the way, so that I don’t forget it.
Trimester 1: Nausea (not bad, just in the afternoons, and evenings if not eating at exact times) and no throwing up - at all! I think I was very lucky, having conversed with others. The interesting sensation of being happy when nauseous, since it meant that all was going well, and being all worried when feeling well, in case something was wrong. Tiredness galore. Wow. Our walks became slower and slower, with lots of stops.
Appetite: Only mediterranean food seemed to make me interested, as well as cheese, loads of fruit and veggies and generally healthy stuff. I didn’t mind.
Craving: Orange juice. And apples.
Strangest thing: The chocaholic (well, moderately so, and only for very high quality stuff) completely lost all interest in chocolate. Weirdest feeling in the world. I even forced myself to try some, and my senses weren’t impressed at all! Liquorice (the real, black, salty Dutch and Swedish stuff) was however incredibly awesome (even more than usual), and seemed to help with nausea.

Trimester 2: Oh, this was nice. Energy back, things almost normal, except the appetites and cravings, which remained. And the acid reflux (heartburn), which I’ve always “enjoyed” to some extent, came back with a vengeance, and just got worse and worse. Luckily there’s medication. Most wonderful thing of all: movements starting in week 17 (first time that I was sure was real, was in the celestial room of the temple - that was incredible...), and could be felt from the outside from week 20.

And Trimester 3: Not much change really, more than always thinking that the belly "can’t possibly get bigger than it already is???”, and a subtle increase in tiredness, together with a much less subtle increase in acid reflux... So far no swellings of ankles or anything like that. More appetite, which is treacherous, since too big portions bring the heartburn. So instead one has to eat often... Chocolate is yummy again btw. The rest is about the same. Orange juice is still divine. And apples! Not to mention kiwis... A little known fact is that they help with constipation. I’ve never had so many kiwis in my life...
A beautiful feeling of connectedness with this little person inside. Before, it was unreal. Now it’s very real, and even though the entire process still feels like incredible science fiction, it feels REAL! I don’t worry as much as I did in the beginning, and I just love it. I also love the fact that I’ve reached the state where I’m not (very) worried about the delivery anymore. It seems to be directly correlated with the amount of discomfort one experiences, which is rather practical, I suppose...

What an incredible adventure! It really is the biggest adventure of my life. Anything can still happen, but being the direct observer of this process, experiencing the body changing so much, and how it all works, it’s just fantastic.

Unexpectedly strong kicks

Ooooh, I have so much to write, to tell, to describe... But no time, so here’s a little peak into current events:
Today I got a HUGE kick to my stomach... (and a lot of smaller ones). From the inside... I held my hand over the stomach at the time, and I could feel it strongly from the outside as well! What a little kicker (kicker = frog in Dutch btw), I’m so happy that he seems so strong! :) What an incredible feeling that is... The first months, I was wondering so much how it would feel, and now I know. And it feels like communication, from this little soul I’m carrying, and I just cannot for my life put into words how incredible that feels. It’s sci-fi. Miraculous. Fantastic.

David is currently flying home from Las Vegas in his B767. He emailed and said they were grounded for a while, even though they were ready to take off, because Obama had just landed at the airport...

I’m not done my paper... I’m working on it, but I wouldn’t call it full time. It better be done before Christmas.

And it was cold today. -8 most of the day. But it’s going up to +14 on Monday. Would be nice, not particularly fond of the snow and ice lying around (even though the layer is about 100 times less than what Buffalo and area are experiencing!)

Spring!!!??

The snow is finally melting away!!!!!! I’m celebrating this with a bout of bronchitis...

Chopin prelude #20 + Kung Fu Panda

Jag bara älskar den här:

Speciellt när jag upptäckte att den klassiska biten de har kombinerat musiken med är samma musik som fick mig att rysa så mkt när jag var liten och blev överfallen av mumier och onda fåglar i Ghosts ’n Goblins på C64:an :)

anonymitetens frihet...

I decided to change back to not have my blogger connected to my google+. Not that I’m writing about any state secrets, but for some reason it’s so much easier to write as Lunicrax than as myself. Anyone who reads this likely knows me anyway and who I am. 

While waiting for my diary to arrive in the mail (I ordered an amazing one from amazon) for the new year, I decided to revive this place a bit. As I mentioned in one of the two entries from last year, I don’t lack things to write about. I just never do it. 

Tidbits:

- My PR card renewal arrived today! Normal processing time: 3 months. My processing time: 8 months. Not because of my dubious background or anything like that, but because the first card got lost in the mail. Following protocal, I had to sign a “solemn declaration” of not having received it, and wait for another 3 months until my solemn declaration wormed its way from the bottom of the pile to the top. Previous wait notwithstanding. Sigh. But today, finally, I’m free to return to this country if I go abroad again. Rumour (friends with contacts at border crossings) has it I would have been let in eventually anyway, but likely not in a short time. 

- The sand I spread out on our massively iced over parking at the side of the house mysteriously disappeared, and I slipped and fell for the 2nd day in a row. Impressive feat, considering I was already very carefully crawling along on all four. Getting tired of the ice. But, happy as long as there is no snow. Meanwhile in sweden, I saw some extremely happy words from someone inland who saw snow flakes for the first time this (and last) year. They are enjoying an incredibly warm, wet and dark winter. Not sure what I prefer. Probably this. 

If anyone still has this in their feed, please kick on me to get some photos ready. 

Almost August...

...and I'm starting to be a bit less tired after the 3 weeks of intense astronomizing (conference in Holland, summer school at Arecibo (!!!)) and somewhat exhausting return trips to Canada. I have soooo many photos to publish in albums. Coming soon. This, I think, is my first evening alone, feeling calm, for a very long time, and it's great. Plus I got some excellent errands done (soon D's 30th b-day!).

And on Friday we get the keys to our new HOUSE, if all goes well. Photos to be posted as soon as that happens. Summer in Brockville is magical btw. I don't know why we don't have more visitors. To be remedied in 9 days (in-laws + BiL to be visiting).

While waiting for more photos, here is a photo I took during my time of contemplation of whether I would be able to go on the cat walk onto the receiver platform hanging 150 m above the 305 m dish of the Arecibo observatory. I did what Pierce Brosnan did... (i.e. not what 007 did)

"Hartstikke bird!"

At the peak of the temperature today, 7 degrees, I did go out for a jog. And it was nice! I guess the cold made me go fast enough to stay warm. Finally getting around to buy a swimsuit last night gave me all the motivation I needed for that (the trying-on-part, obviously...)

The rest of the day - Good Friday, I've spent reading, editing little movies in iMovie, editing RAW photos in LR, while every now and then chatting with family back home and David who's on duty in Montreal. Altogether very very nice. Under normal circumstances, I have no wish whatsoever to work on fun stuff on the computer after a whole day's work in front of a monitor..

A small update.

I've been writing blog entries in my head for months, and just never taken the time to actually enter them here! How annoying. About politics, science, anything, instead of just writing like I used to (and still bring in all those topics, but without the self-imposed demand that the texts be utterly awesome and amazing). So, time for a change (I hope).

As a little treat, here's a movie of Pinda talking! Well, if you've ever tried to film a budgie who talks, when he's talking, you'll know how impossible that is. In other words, the 30 s I got after 20 minutes of filming, don't include any easily understandable words. But it's definitely no chirping! And there is a "Pinda" there towards the end. Otherwise it sounds like he's saying "Hartstikke" every now and then. I did try to teach him to say "Hartstikke leuk" (heartwarmingly awesome or something like that in Dutch) a few months ago, but never heard him mimic it. Is he saying "Hartstikke bird"?

Things he does say when the camera is off include "Hey Birdy", "Gose-gose-gose" (sweet way of saying "cuddly" in Swedish, kinda), "Pinda-bird", "Pinda", "Wokkels" "Georgie" (although we've never said that, it¨s probably just some sound he invented himself that sounds like Georgie). Both Pinda and Wokkels (Pinda's beautiful turquoise friend) sound like a phone (possibly from the breeder's house), and Pinda also mimics an outside bird (which I have yet to identify), and purrs like a cat (taught by David). But I can't prove any of that. Yet.

Advent, flying by...

Ho hum. I likely have sinusitis. And will  be flying to Sweden in a few days. I got sick exactly a week ago with some cold-flu and it never disappears. But I really don't have a cause to complain. And I don't, really, I just wish I felt better (be gone, fever!) so I could work better. And so I could have my since long planned, and now majorly postponed (until Friday? until Thirteenth day's eve?) Swedish Christmas/Lucia/Advent celebration. If nothing else so we can eat all the acquired food before it goes bad. So yeah, nothing majorly problematic here I guess.

How amazingly awesome it is to have Pinda and Wokkels around when home sick though! And David of course, but right now he's away on a 3-day pairing. Which makes the birdies' company even more wonderful.

I acquired a Christmas gift to myself last week, a wonderful new camera. So I expect magical photos to be the result. But meanwhile however, I'd like to finish off all the photos from my old camera! And I certainly have a few! I need a new system for backing up though! Ideas?

I'll start from the end: Part II of the Italy trip!

Italia

In other news… I got offered another year for my postdoc! This is excellent news, which means I don't have to start applying for a new one until next year, and we get to stay in Brockville until September 2014! This gives me time to stay around for all the science that will come out of the project, not just to do the reductions…

It's November

...And it is a very nice November! I'm still not used to that. Novembers should be dark, dreary, wet and depressive. This one is bright, sunny, above zero, no rain, beautiful mornings, and the lack of leaves on the trees gives us an amazing view of the St Lawrence. Incredible!!

Life is being enjoyed reducing data, getting acquainted with galaxies, playing with birdies (who are currently fighting my fingers for space on this keyboard) and trying to upload the multitude of photos I've accumulated over the year. Here is a sample, the trip we made in October to Italy and eastern mediterranean. The first exploration vacation I've made in quite a while (I don't count trips to the homeland). Except for Florida last year perhaps.

And here are the photos. All 272 of them. But if you're interested in the resting place of Santa, amazing ruins, or just me and my family being silly, it might be fun to take a look. Perhaps. Let's see if this html works first...

Venezia and cruise, part 1

After a week with my parents

I just came home after having dropped my cute parents off at YUL (Montreal). Saying good bye to them is one of the hardest things… But I was blessed (?!) with a horrendous lumbago (ryggskott) which hit me like a shot in the back this morning as I was moving a little light Lack Ikea table around. Not so expected. So painful that I thought I'd throw up or faint. I wonder if it was a disk this time, I totally could feel something moving in my spine. So, anyways, that pain took overhand this afternoon, and I could leave my parents and stiffbackedly hobble back to Ringo (my beetle), none too gracefully squeeze into the driver's seat again and drive home in the 32 degrees heat (so happy that I have a roof window, esp now that the fan, as well as the AC (never worked), is broken) without shedding too many tears.

What an awesome week! They arrived last Friday, stayed for 9 days, and did a lot if fun. I had Monday off (flex time), but managed to work the rest of the week, 2 days in Kingston, and 2 days from home. I think my parents like Brockville as much as we do. They got to see a lot of it too, since we went house-looking together. And to Kingston, to Ottawa, out on the St Lawrence, into the St Lawrence, etc. A very nice area to explore, this is.

Driving home, I could see the moon getting brighter and brighter, opposite the sunset. It made me think of Neil Armstrong (who died yesterday) and the amazing inspiration brought by his life.

And, as I came home, crookedly walked to the stairs, my parent presence was so strong! So very strong. In a good way, making me happy :) We just walked down those stairs. We just went on a walk in the same warm temperature last night. We sat on the balcony every morning and night, enjoying each other and life. I always wonder if I enjoyed it as much as I think I should when looking back. Yes. I think so.

Hm. But now I'm sitting here with my birds (who are very happy to have me back), and my back, waiting for D to come home from work, watching the plane on flightaware.com fly further and further away. That part is the hardest. As soon as they are online again, it's all good again.

Unexpected TSA question, and a bitter sweet moment

I'll start in reverse… Currently sitting in the waiting area in Chicago Midway (MDW), waiting for my Southwest flight to Albuquerque, after two Porter flights, YOW to YTZ, YTZ to MDW. The plane I arrived with was the plane David was to fly back to Toronto (and currently is), and I had hoped to catch him for a quick good bye before he took off. But, after customs, bag pickup and checking in again, I came too late to the gate, and he was already hard at work preparing. I had hoped to wave through the window, but of course the windows there are completely dimmed, so you can't see a thing. So I sat there, knowing he was just a few meters away, feeling happy about that, but sad that I wouldn't see him before my last New Mexico sejour (he was unexpectedly called away on a 3 day pairing yesterday). Then I could see the plane from the other end of the building as David was taxiing out to the runway, and a few moments later as he was ascending into the sky. Beautiful plane, the Dash-8 Q400. Toronto was btw extra beautiful this morning, with a low mist surrounding the islands in nice shapes. Sadly my camera was tucked away in the overhead bin, a mistake I rarely make, but when I do, I need it the most. 

After a completely wonderful month in our new home, in the awesomest apartment ever by the St Laurents river in Brockville (strategic position for our respective jobs in Kingston and Ottawa), I now have to return back to Socorro. Only for two weeks, so it's nice. I have mixed feelings about returning, but it will be nice to see all good friends and have a real good bye before leaving for good. The weather will make up for a lot. And the telescopes. And wonderful Winnipeg friends visiting, and the solar eclipse. I hope that these new memories will somewhat remove the taint of the old ones. 

Pinda and Wokkels are two new little creatures in mine and David's custody, and the fresh memory of Pinda's happy little chirp as I kissed her feathery chest early this morning will hopefully help as well (but I still miss Merry and Pippin terribly). 

As for the TSA question (or US immigration/customs not sure if they are the same?), this is the conversation I had when I went through US customs a few hours ago: 

After a few of the normal general questions, I got a few new ones:

TSA: "What kind of research do you do in New Mexico?"

Me: "Astrophysics observations with a large telescope located there"

TSA: "What kind of observations?"

Me: "I work on a project where we observe the gas surrounding galaxies"

TSA: "What do you want to observe on these galaxies?"

Me: "Well.." (wondering in how much detail I should go and embarking on a brief explanation that there are divers goals with the observations)

TSA, glaring suspiciously at me: "Is it dangerous?"

Me: "!?!  …no… these galaxies are very far away…" 

TSA: "What happens if you observe anything dangerous?"

Me, trying to come up with what could possibly be seen as dangerous in my work: "well…"

TSA: "What happens if you observe something dangerous, like UFOs, do you report it, or is kept secret?" 

Me, finally seeing where this is heading: "Ah, that would be an awesome observation! And no, I would definitely not keep it secret…" 

Not that I'd be able to see any UFO's in my continuum observations… But still. Heehee… :) The idea of dangerous galaxies will keep me smiling for a while. 

Hm. The nice free wifi at MDW is gone… I guess I'll post this a bit later. 

Beware of bifenthrin

Friday March 16th, after 3 days of sickness which seemed to affect her nervous system, my wonderful budgie Pippin died on the way to the vet in Albuquerque (she had already visited the vet twice before, the last time when I noticed her new symptoms). She was a fighter, and even that morning had forced herself up on a perch even though she had terrible balance. The night before had been hard, with much pain, so I called the vet to get another appointment, and headed up there in the middle of the day. My wonderful birdsitter Peggy decided to come along as well, and I am so grateful for that - Pippin had a number of seizures on the way, screamed and had a very hard time, so if I had been alone, I would probably have ended up in an accident. When we were half way, suddenly a tangible calm filled the car, and there was peace, and I immediately realised that that was it. She had died. My perfect little bird, not even 6 years old. 

I had already searched the online literature for potential causes and cures to her sickness, and with this new information of symptoms, I continued to search. Two perfectly healthy birds dead in less than 1.5 months, it just did not seem normal. Pippin's neurological symptoms - twisted body, erratic head movements, seizures - seemed to point towards poisoning of sorts. But by what?

A few days later, I ran into the cleaning lady at the guesthouse where I have been staying for 6 months, and I got the thought to ask her if the guesthouse apartments had ever been treated indoors with pesticides at some point. Imagine my astonishment, when she told me that they spray indoors with pesticides every month! She knew I had birds (and she has had birds herself), and yet, she let a company come and treat the apartment once a month, without letting me know? I was devestated, and went to my work place to talk with the people in charge and ask why I had never been notified or asked whether this was ok (NO! Birds and pesticides don't mix at all. People and pesticides don't mix well either.!). 

Apparently I was supposed to be notified, but that had not taken place for years. I also asked to know the name of the substance, and the dates when they had sprayed. 

The substance is called bifenthrin, and in my research, I found a lot of disturbing information about it. Here is a list of some of the things I found: 

• -Excessive exposure to Bifenthrin (poisoning) can cause headache, dizziness, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, excessive salivation, fatigue (of which I've experienced all except excessive salivation)
• Bifenthrin is suspected to be an endocrine disruptor (i.e interferes with the systems that produce hormones in the body)
• It is classified as a class C carcinogen, i.e. it has shown to be carcinogenic on mice, and thus is possibly a carcinogenic substance towards humans.
• Because of this, Swedish Chemicals Agency (Kemikalieinspektionen) withdrew Bifenthrin already in 1992 in Sweden. The European Union banned it in 2009, and it has since then been withdrawn from all pesticides used in the EU countries.
• It has been shown in tests to be cytotoxic (affecting cells)

I think it is quite clear what killed the birds - with this information, all their strange symptoms suddenly make sense. I don't think I can prove that my symptoms are caused by the pesticide, but it lies close at hand, especially after 6 months of exposure, of a substance that stays active up to 8 months, with monthly exposure boosts... 

This was the report… I have a lot of feelings and opinions about this… Which I aim to express in a future post. So, stay tuned...

Merry, the happy budgie

Merry, my happy little bird

Merry was an amazingly happy little bird, who enriched my life so much. Today, totally out of the blue, something happened (my guess is he choked on something) and I found him on the floor of the cage when I came home. It is amazing how attached you can grow to a little bird... Especially since he should've had so many more years to be happy. I had him 5.5 years, together with Pippin, since the summer day I bought them in Winnipeg, after 2 years of birdlessness (not fun). It was an awesome day, which I remember very well. And every day since then it has been a joy to come home.

During the last year, Merry adopted a few cute habits - such as flying to my head, walking up to the front of my head and bending down saying CHIRP! Then he would slide down the side of my head, hanging onto my hair, and stick his head out in front of my eye (mainly the left side) and start chirping his heart away. Sometimes he was so persistent doing this when I was eating dinner, that I had to put on a hat to be able to get some food into me. He adored playing with my thumb, and if he came with me into the office room, it would be a challenge to type.

During the trip over to New Mexico, I had the birds in a tiny cage inside a bag with star shaped breathing walls. Whenever I opened the side of the bag, two budgies would come and start playing with my fingers, while chirping happily. A most wonderful trip. They did not enjoy being stuck in Albuquerque due to a "snow storm" though. Having to stay in a hotel in that tiny cage made them loudly tell me how annoyed they were... They managed the trip very well though, and were very happy to arrive in their new home in Socorro the next day. A few weeks later, I got to borrow a palace of a cage from my birdsitter friends, which made the sejour even better. The first few weeks, flying was a challenge (due to the thin air), but Merry soon got better at it, and flew as well as ever during his last week. (The photo caption has a link to some Merry photos.)

Speaking of budgie personalities btw, check out this story!

New adventures in New Mexico

It's probably time for an update... Since last time I wrote was in January. Does it take such a long time to get back to normal after a thesis defence? It almost seems so.. Although, there have been webalbum updates. Those do count. Here is a list of some adventures: 

• I can't believe I didn't write about the Florida trip! This was my present to myself for being done: watching a space shuttle launch (STS 133), with my brother Daniel
• Spring in reverse: First Holland, then Sweden
• Summer in Toronto and elsewhere (with a bunch of visitors) - London, Windsor, Bruce Peninsula, Quebec, Palmyra, Girl's camp, Socorro, New York

Whether I'm actually back to normal or not, is another question, but I do have a reason to write! After a spring of trying to rest a bit, I ended up getting a job in the early summer, with a  start date of September 1st. This was good, because when you have a deadline at which you know something good is going to end (spending summer in Toronto with David), you appreciate the time so much more. 

So, the job! It's a postdoc (which is a weird sensation - I'm actually at that point in life? finally?), and the project I'll be working on is pretty awesome! Observing halo radio emission in edge-on galaxies. It's called CHANG-ES (Continuum halos in nearby galaxies - an EVLA survey). My new supervisor is the PI (principal investigator) of the project, and many astronomers from all over the world are part of the CHANG-ES consortium. 

EVLA is the keyword here - it is the newly enhanced VLA observatory (I think E stands for expanded), which is located in New Mexico. 405 hours of observation time was granted to this project, and so, here I am as well. For a year. 

Yikes!

So I'm writing from Socorro, New Mexico, a little town everyone claims to be remote and isolated. Well. I lived 6 years in Winnipeg. Isolation is a matter of perspective. And the nearest big city from here, Albuquerque, is only 1 hr and a bit away. Soon Albuquerque will host the world's biggest hot-air balloon meeting (October 1-9). YEY! (And I just visited one in St Jean sur Richelieu, in Quebec (photos to come)). Anyways, I don't think the isolation will be that much of a problem. David will come often to visit, and I will go to Toronto every now and then as well. And there are mountains. And a HUGE observatory. And loads of astronomers. And, for this size of town, it seems like they are pretty good at coming up with diverse activities. The climate!!! Finally a warm place with short winters. And the FOOD! So far I've only had Sopaipillas with green chile (completely delicious), and some local yummy stuff at a fair with a rodeo, but it's certainly very promising so far. One of my goals of this year will  be to learn the New Mexican cuisine. 

Now for some photos of the surroundings (of course today, when I go out to take pictures, the weather is grey and dull): 

The guesthouse with the courtyard in the middle. A very cute fox often hides under the planks. My room is in the corner straight ahead. The kitchen is on the left (not visible). 

Here's the cute fox! I hope I can catch a less fuzzy version at some point...  

This is a corner of the NRAO building and the view. The building is in a Y-shape (like the EVLA array) 

This is my cubicle. It's on the edge of one of the tips of the Y-shape, so I'm sitting diagonally. And I love the view (usually the weather isn't grey, like today...) 

Hard to take good photos of the rodeo in the dusk light. 

And... I just had to add this one... Awesome photo taken by Sandra, after an awesome good bye lunch just before I left. 

A new year with new chances

This is one  of the most new-yearish new years I've experienced. Defending the thesis and having that DONE, is (albeit still unreal) quite the change in my life. So, this is a year I have great hopes for! And here are a few of the things I'd like to do, as soon as I come home to Toronto:

• Visit the library and read LOADS of books. 
• Put up a shelf for the microwave oven :) 
• Paint a painting of Groot genoeg. And of birds. And of anything really. 
• Make a photo album of the past year (uhm, and the years before that, all the way back to 2004... But one step at a time, I guess....)
• Search for jobs
• Make awesome food... 
• Spend lots of time with the Hobbit-birdies Merry & Pippin (I haven't seen them for soon a month...)
• Start crocheting! I have crazy plans of making a bedspread. But again, should probably start with smaller steps. 
• Just exist, with all what that entails - have a little bit of a social life again, and lots of communication with family

And until then, while in Sweden - enjoy life to the fullest! Which is, of course, with my wonderful family members.

~~~~~

A little bit more than a week later (when I actually post this post), I've returned to Toronto. The first day after my return, we went to the library and I got a library card, and happily discovered that the Canadian library system (well, at least the one in Toronto) is exactly as awesome as the one in Sweden. I borrowed a few books and started reading one. And then it hit. Post-thesis stress or something of that kind. The symptoms are as unpleasant as the symptoms of the week before the defence (i.e. major stress). But then I could at least work (and work I did, seemingly neverendingly, and it did pay off, since everything I worked on was covered during the defence questions), and now it's hard to do anything at all. Apparently this is fairly normal, and so I hope a bit of vacation will cure it. But it is annoying - finally this time has arrived, which I've longed for for so many years, and I can't even appreciate it.

Today was however another special day - my thesis was officially approved by the university, and can be found here. I wonder if that is going to make me believe it's real? I think I'm going to celebrate by watching a bunch of Stargate episodes.